I relived memories for an hour on top of a parking lot
I feel like I don't feel so much. I want to feel emotion, that is deepest desire. When I was younger I would hide my feelings inside because others made fun of me. I was afraid of what they would say about me. I reacted to the outside world, instead of listening to my inner-self. When I narrow down my desire it comes down to escaping something.
I decided to lay on my back on top of a parking lot. In public but also private. I roped myself to static objects in my surroundings. One around my head, my hand and one attached to my leg. I thought of feelings from my memory, ones I did not express before. These unexpressed feelings came to me at that moment in time. I felt the deep-down feelings and emotions I once had. I expressed them in great surrender. I could feel my body and mind very intensely. In the extended period of one hour, I could feel my body changing from present and sensitive to numb and senseless. It was 12 degrees Celsius that day. At first I noticed the cold on my body, it was shaking like a leaf. But after 45 minutes I couldn't feel it anymore. I was so deep into my thoughts and feelings that the state of my body was not significant at the time. I never experienced a feeling like this before.
Although this was an eccentrically beautiful experience there was a downside to it. After some negative thoughts, I heard myself think: "Why is so important to me? It is not even that bad. Why am I caring so much about this? This is silly and dumb. I can just let go of these concerns in my mind. I will not care about them now, tomorrow and in the future. Others won't care, they never cared." Who cares? No-one but me, this hypersensitive egocentric boy that got hurt once and still carries it around. It will probably never fade and always stay in my memory. But for now, I don't care anymore. You could shout, swear and scream at me. I will just react calm and peacefully because that is my inner nature and natural self.
This experience was one I will never forget. It had such an effect on me. From the intensity to the senselessness. I loved every bit of it. It feels like you are a being, it makes you feel alive and present in your own body. From the conscious to the unconscious. I won't stop making, expressing and trying more of these practices. This has opened my eyes.